now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
