I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
