i already hear my dad disowning me
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
