life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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