Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
