the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
