Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
