he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
