Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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