Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
