guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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