A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
