I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
