so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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