12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
