I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
