Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
