Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
