Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
