i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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