I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm like, not good at living.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
