I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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