My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We are two peas in an std pod
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
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