your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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