I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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