Apparently you make a good broom.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
