You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
