I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
