She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
