people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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