if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
