She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
