one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
