when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
