Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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