I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
