No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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