Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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