I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So much Jack, so little girl.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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