you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
