I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
