I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
