Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
