Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
