I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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