mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
