My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
