In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
