im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
