JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
