I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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