hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
